First Aid for Anxiety

Anxiety – a quick first aid guide

The first thing to do is to be aware of what is happening in your body and just STOP.  Breathe deeply, ask them to stay with you.

Download my “Emotion Release” recording – this link will take you to paypal to purchase and it lasts just 5 minutes and costs just £2.  I give it out freely to my clients so if you would like to book a session please use the contact page to book.  It takes you through a brief relaxation and then invites you to count to 90 and in that short time the feeling or emotion WILL have changed or transmuted into a calmer feeling.

Ground yourself.  You can do this by using what is known as the 5,4,3,2,1 method:

  • Notice 5 things that you can see
  • 4 things you can hear
  • 3 things you can touch (and touch them)
  • 2 things you can smell or like the smell of
  • Then take 1 slow, deep breath.

Notice what is happening right now and how different it is to the original thought or feeling.  Move, stretch or stamp your feet.  Tell yourself you are safe.  You could carry a “grounding object” with you, perhaps a stone or a symbol that you know tells you that you are safe.

Be kind to yourself.

Remind yourself where you are, what day of the week it is, the time, the weather, who your closest most supportive friend is (and if you can call on them, do that).

An amino acid, L-Theanine is known to help with symptoms of anxiety and can be found in green tea.  Check this site if you want to know more.

Use an acupressure point on the wrist as below (taken from this website):

PC 6– Starting from the wrist, measure down with three fingers as shown in the picture to the right.

Where your third finger touches the middle of your wrist is the acupoint.  Take your thumb and apply firm pressure to this point until you feel some mild discomfort, or gently tap to remind you of a slowing heartbeat.  Only apply enough pressure to interrupt the normal blood flow but not too much that it causes pain. Hold this pressure point and gently knead your thumb in a tight circular motion for about 2 minutes.  Do this to both wrists and you will feel your anxiety descend immediately. This point is also good for nausea!

HT7– Another point is where your wrist forms a crease with your hand. Hold the acupressure point for about 2 minutes, applying pressure with your thumb.  . This point is good for relieving tension.

When the attack subsides write down what happened and how you felt and how you dealt with it.

 

 

Conscious Relationships – Scales of Depth

Conscious Relationships – Two Scales of Intimacy and Depth

Relationships have meaning at different levels. Firstly there is the depth of the relationship. At basic level you may have friends and acquaintances in your life who you see from time to time and you say hello to them but that is as far as it goes. Someone you nod to in the street; maybe a friendly shopkeeper, a neighbour perhaps. The secondary scale is the level of consciousness, personal awareness that each individual has in that relationship.

Depth
At the “top” end, it may be a romantic relationship, sibling, parent, best friend. The stakes are far higher because of the importance of the relationship.

Need vs ego – Levels of Consciousness
On the other scale is the “need” for the relationship, or “consciousness” of each individual.

Perhaps both partners “need” each other, their ego requires the relationship because each one serves to keep the other close. This is potentially unhealthy if the depth of the relationship is high; it can be seen in co-dependent relationships, people with addictions and need the other to continue supplying, or keep drug taking / drinking so the other feels “safe” to continue in their habit themselves. This is potentially life threatening. If one partner chooses to stop using, recognising the relationship is in fact killing them, the partner who needs to catch up may use tactics to get the partner to keep using so the other doesn’t face life alone which can feel life threatening.

If there is significant depth to the relationship it is vitally important to recognise the level of consciousness because clearly there are high stakes involved in keeping the status quo. If the depth is less, then it is easier to “walk away” from something potentially unhealthy – again, depending on one’s level of conscious awareness.

It may be surmised that a healthy relationship consists of two individuals who are not dependent upon each other to meet each other’s’ needs. They choose to be together and support one-another to be the best they can, acknowledging relational depth being one of choice.

In a more ego-driven relationship, one individual may need the other, involving “trade-offs”, in other words “I need you to meet my needs, I need you to make me happy”, not “I desire you in my life and you do not need to make me feel anything at all, I am simply here because I am happy in myself and your presence is a choice I make. Perhaps incidentally we make each other happy anyway, but “need” comes from the ego, choice comes through conscious awareness.

1. Depth of Relationship

Deeply Intimate (parent, sibling, offspring, romantic partner)

OR

Acquaintance, friend, neighbour

2. Levels of Consciousness

Awake, aware of impact, place in the world. Choice to be together

OR

Need – fuelling ego, “I need you to make me happy / keep me alive”.

Many theorists propose three, four and seven levels of consciousness if you want to read more on this subject. Sigmund Freud talked of three levels, the Id (the instinctive ME, the Ego (I Need) and the Superego (“I Moderate”)

Philip Holder talked also about three levels, Spontaneous, Calculated and Imposed.

Richard Barrett discusses 7 levels of consciousness, and his progression focusses on “existential” needs which are connected and dependent on the human condition, which motivate towards survival. These are, quite simply: survival, relationship, self-esteem, transformation, internal cohesion, making a difference and then service.

Maslow talked of a “Hierarchy of Needs” – the base layer of which is of course basic survival, moving towards self-actualisation, including relationships as a need – being part of a group, exchanging ideas once basic needs have been met.

I think this knowledge can help many couples understand where they are on their own scale which in turn may question our relationships and the part they play in our lives, and where we are ourselves on our path to true conscious awareness.

Where are you on the scale, in your relationships?

Here is a link to a book “I love you but I’m not In Love with you”) that I have found to be helpful for couples struggling with the “love” versus “in love” symptoms that many couples often cite as a reason for separation and / or divorce.

Additionally, here’s a link to another book “How Can I Ever Trust You Again?”: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps”) by the same author.

I welcome comments!

Books I recommend

Below is a selection of books I have read and can recommend to help you in your relationships and your life generally.

Specifically for Relationships:

Relationships and the bigger picture:

Selfhood and Mild Mental Problems:

What now?

What do you do when it’s all going wrong?

You are married or in a committed relationship but facing separation or divorce, in fact perhaps you’ve already been “replaced” in his or her affections. What do you do?

The natural human tendency is to kick and scream; your security is threatened, you might have a child, the last thing you want is to face a future without your partner.

You ask him or her why, you remind them their responsibility, their vows, the children you share. Nothing seems to work. In fact he or she seems to be moving further away.

Think for a moment about the person who is “doing the thing”, that thing you don’t like, the thing that is threatening to split you, divide you and your family up into little pieces, the relationship becomes nothing more than a financial arrangement. How does he or she feel I wonder? Do they feel good about their decision, are you constantly reminding them of what they’ve done wrong?

Without stopping this round robin of table tennis and who did what to whom, you’re still on that losing streak that you’re wanting to turn around. The only thing you can do is STOP. Look around, try and put yourself in the others’ shoes, and start to believe that it’s not just you who is hurting. Hard to believe perhaps . Nothing happens in a vacuum. Is there something innate in the other person that they feel unable to show you their vulnerability, to ask for what they need whilst you are fighting yet simultaneously pushing them away through the pain that you’re feeling?

Gosh, it can be so hard. When we are hurting to not want to hurt the person we love the most who is in turn hurting us. We want to lash out, and tell them how hurt they are making us, and they, conversely, are frightened and want to run away. Without facing each other, listening and reflecting to each other, there is no forwards movement – or if there is, it is a movement with bitterness that can remain for a long time until one or other of you simply “lets go”. Remember that you are both feeling the pain but in different ways.

What would it be worth to you to resurrect peaceful communication with your partner?

It isn’t necessarily easy but it will require hard work. And a letting go of the anger.

Write down your list today of at least 15 things you admire about your partner; recollect the happy times, when you first met, what you enjoyed in each other. And agree with your spouse that no action take place for at least eight weeks whilst you work on what you do have together.
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The five stages of grief

Five stages of grief – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
EKR stage Interpretation
1 – Denial Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It’s a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
2 – Anger Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
3 – Bargaining Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example “Can we still be friends?..” when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it’s a matter of life or death.
4 – Depression Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
5 – Acceptance Again this stage definitely varies according to the person’s situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Therapy – is it valuable?

Can therapy sort your life?

The trick is to “believe” in a better life, to imagine the possibilities that *could be*. A recent study pointed to the fact that there are many reasons why you may feel depressed or anxious, but the most important factor in emotional resilience is a belief that you can feel better, and that rumination and psychological processes, i.e. how *you* process your life events is what makes the real difference. We may blame genetic factors, ill health, a bad job, poor income, divorce, a lack of a decent career as to why we feel as we do, but going over and over how badly we feel simply gives more negative energy to our circumstances. Challenging negative thoughts through imagining how good life *could* feel if things were OK plays a huge part in feeling better about ourselves.

Some people have lots of awful things happen to them and through inner resilience manage to carry on through life. These life events are hiccoughs. Other people have less awful things happen to them and yet they continue feeling down, negative, unable to move forwards and perhaps use past events or people in their lives as reasons why they cannot move on and feel better. All of these things can be helped in therapy with the right person to work with you. Acknowledge and be mindful as to how you feel and allow yourself to believe in a better life.

Doing the work on yourself will get you moving forwards, if you do the same things over and over because you justify to yourself that’s what gets you through the bad times, then how can things ever change? Use the therapy as a helping hand to do the work on yourself that needs to be done.

Our process is our own; but if we keep doing the same behaviours to make ourselves feel better, or rather to numb the difficult feelings over and over, until we step outside and face the fear of the unknown, that stuff that’s keeping us… well uncomfortably safe – how can we know what lies beyond? Facing the fears is a most difficult part of life process but actually following through *after* facing them is such a wonderful feeling.

I remember recently travelling down the motorway with my daughter when suddenly I heard something akin to a bang. One of my fears had been realised – a tyre blow out on the motorway. I’ve prided myself on being that woman who can get herself out of a crisis at any cost without a man, that “strong woman” who “doesn’t need” a man, however whenever it has come down to the mechanics of my car, I confess I have played the helpless female card every time. Now the universe was showing me, head on, that this is what happens when you do that “thing” of being capable. A curve ball is thrown and there is absolutely no choice in the matter.

I had to change my car tyre. I held my head in my hands knowing that stopping on the hard shoulder on a motorway is one of the most dangerous places to stop whilst my daughter just laughed; she was just fine. No worry whatsoever, it was just a “thing” that had happened and well, maybe, mum was just her own personal Deity that could sort anything out. I did not feel up to the task. But I felt the fear, got out of the car and went to get the spare out along with the jack.

We put the jack under the car. Hmm.. which way up? (some people will be laughing at me at this point). A few attempts and it was up. The car was hoiked up, time to take the wheel off. It had been put on by the tightest robotic wheel nut tightener. Eventually, nut by nut the tyre was removed. Already I could feel a small tinge of triumph that part one was accomplished. Now to part 2, putting spare tyre on. We did it. We drove off to where we had first intended to go and the day went fine. (Apart from realising soon after that I’d left the essential wheel nut lock by the side of the road and had to purloin another – reader beware!)

For many people this may just be another day, but for me it meant something. Clearly “being strong” was something I was being tested at. Another lesson learned. Be true to yourself, stay in your power. Learn your impact on others and on yourself. You can do anything if you really want to, but know your support system and draw on it.

Therapy works. It’s still working for me 🙂

Relationship Sabotage

I found this great article online which talks about Relationship Sabotage and what happens. It may highlight areas where your relationship is having difficulties. The main message – it might seem – is to make sure you are emotionally and physically healthy such that you can support another’s perspective, even though you are intimately involved. Making time for hugs and responding to each others’ love language is also vital. You can find out about you / your partner’s love language by taking a short quiz here.

Relationship sabotage

 Do you sabotage your relationships?

Perhaps you have been hurt and haven’t healed properly. As a way of protecting yourself, you may end up being afraid of emotional intimacy, commitment, or abandonment; you unconsciously say or do things to drive a partner away. It is sometimes just easier to give up and walk away before things start to go wrong and you are hurt again.

In order to figure out how you are unconsciously sabotaging your relationships, look at the history of each relationship you had. Focus on the behaviour that was not conducive. Make a list of everything you did that did not build the partnership. What was your part in it? Could you have done things differently to prevent the break-up?

Can you identify underlying fears or concerns that you may have acted upon by betraying your dating partner’s trust, or scaring him / her off with inappropriate behaviour?

Unreasonable expectations can and will lead to a permanent feeling of disappointment, frustration and dissatisfaction for both of you. Do you really love your partner or do you love what you think she / he should be? Do you want to be accepted and loved for who you are and can you therefore do the same for them?

Fighting is unhealthy. If disagreements are escalating in this way, you need to make some changes. Keep things at a lively debate-level, respect each other’s ideas even if you don’t agree, and be mature enough to let go of something if you just can’t agree on something. Agree to disagree.

Decide what is more important. Your relationship or winning an argument? Having different beliefs and accepting it is much better than hating each other.

Forgive but never forget is like carrying a old wound around with you and ripping it open every now and then, just to remind you that it is still there. Ask yourself if you are really healing and growing in this relationship? Can you accept that your partner is not the same person he was and that he realised that he made a mistake, grew from it and moved on?

Are you using old pain to protect yourself from future hurts? What do you need to do in order to heal and trust again?  Counselling, psychotherapy, EFT, hypnotherapy and many more therapies are out there to help you heal.  Choose the one that suits you best!

Unwarranted jealousy is a manifestation of your own insecurities. You are feeling that you are not (good, pretty, interesting, sexy) enough to keep your partner’s undivided attention. Do you understand that the problem is with you and not with your partner?

You need to restore your sense of self-worth to a level where you are a pleasure to be with. If you really can’t trust your partner, leave the relationship. Do not get caught up in a never-ending downward spiral of insecurities.  If you can help each other heal within the relationship, open up the discussions and really learn to reveal yourself to your partner.  Intimate revelations can be sexy!

Keeping score and one-upmanship can turn any relationship into a minefield. It can strip away the feeling of being safe, trusted and respected. Winning means that the person that you care for must be a loser. Make a distinction between partnership and competitiveness.

What is more important? A healthy partnership or being right/better?

Finding fault by constantly focusing on your partner’s imperfections and flaws instead of finding quality and value can drastically sabotage your relationship. You need to find the source of this problem in order to solve it. Instead of focusing on your partner, query yourself.

Do you feel safer, stronger, more powerful or better about yourself when you put your partner down? Do you use criticism as a means to control? Why do you need to feel safe? What will happen if you accept your partner, faults and all?

My way or the highway is an unhealthy expression of a need to control. Spending your energy on keeping everything, especially your partner just right keeps you busy enough not to face your real insecurity issues. Controlling is sometimes easier that confronting your insecurities.

Do you really want to spend your time and energy on being right? Try to identify your insecurities. What caused them in the first place? What do you need to change in yourself to feel more secure?

Becoming a victim by giving up, accepting that you can’t change your circumstances and that pain will always be a part of your life can be very damaging to you. This sometimes happens when a person has repeatedly being hurt and had no way to escape or heal from the pain. You can become so isolated, lonely, cynical, negative and so separated from your self-sustaining core that you start believe that there is no way out.

Make sure you have a good support network to sustain and guide you. This is not something you can deal with on your own although the “rational” folk among us often believe they can – which simply causes more separateness when in fact intimacy is about togetherness and revealing vulnerabilities, and working them through safely together. Seek good professional help and stick to it, even if it seems difficult and too hard. Keep on reaching towards the light. Never give up!

Passive aggression is a way of using sulking, silence and keeping quiet to impose control over their partner. By withholding your energy and failing to contribution to your relationship you are not only hurting yourself and your partner, but also your relationship.

You may get what you want in the end by being underhandedly manipulative, but you are not really winning anything. Clearly stating your wants and needs, learning to communicate effectively and developing healthy techniques to deal with conflict will take you so much further.

Gossiping to other people about your partner’s irritating habits, his flaws and your hard life with him is just plain silly. You are creating a culture of “us” against “him: the big bad wolf in my life.” Will getting other people’s sympathy and making yourself look better, help your relationship?

Ask yourself if you are in a loyal and contributing partnership of two, or in a partnership that is the playfield of everyone with an opinion? Learn how to deal with problem in a healthy, mature way between the two of you.

Being too sure … of yourself and your relationship can cause unhealthy stagnation and boredom. If you are failing to infuse new energy and oomph into your relationship you are undermining your partnership. You aren’t contributing, you aren’t stimulating, and you aren’t energizing.

What are you doing to build your relationship? What are you doing to make your partner feel special and appreciated? Are you fun to be with? What can you do to bring the romance back?

Keeping the backdoor open just in case things don’t work out means never having to commit to working on your relationship. You will never give your complete attention to fully getting to know someone or fully exploring the intricacies of a relationship with that person. If you tend to move on to someone new every time you see the first signs of things going wrong, how will you ever learn how to deal with relationship problems and overcome them?

You are keeping yourself from developing a deep, nurturing, healthy connection by jumping from partner to partner, by judging people only superficially. Try to open yourself up, accept that every relationship will have some problems, but allow yourself to learn, grow and become closer to your partner in the whole process. See problems as opportunities to learn, not as endings.

Run … at the first sign of trouble. Are you telling yourself that things weren’t meant to be at the first sign of trouble? Are you breaking up before you (maybe) get hurt? Sometimes the idea of being hurt is so intolerable that you rather sabotage your relationship than actually work at it. How can this problem be solved?

Surround yourself with a network of support so that you never feel you are alone and without any support. Keep on asking yourself if you are dealing with your relationship in a healthy, well balanced way. Make rational, healthy decisions, not emotional, self protective decisions.

Relationship sabotage can keep you from finding and keeping love. Learn from your mistakes, grow from it. It is possible to end your cycle of relationship sabotage!

Taken from:  http://www.simplified-dating.com/relationship-sabotage.html

Recommended reading:  “Getting the Love you Want”, by Harville Hendrix, ISBN: 9780743495929

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What’s driving you?

What’s driving you?

In every situation that human beings come across a feeling is driving you. That feeling governs your behaviour, your attitude and can make the difference between feeling happy and depressed.

Can you define your “situation” as positive or negative?

If you’re in a positive situation, great – what feelings does that positive situation give you? Warm feelings so that you probably keep doing over again because it generates results to retain that wonderful, warm feeling. Overall you will be feeling happy about life and those around you.

Contrast that with being in a negative situation or relationship, something keeps you there. Humans may resist change because it can be scary, a leap into the unknown.

You may redefine or justify the situation in terms of its “payoff” or the positives about the situation. Saying things to yourself like “it’s not so bad”, or “I get x, y and z and I can’t see myself getting that anywhere else” (money, sex, companionship – substitute whatever noun you like). The feeling that the payoff generates is sufficient to keep you in that situation.  You are still chasing those feelings.

When people come up against a risky decision that they feel unwilling to make with regards to a change in circumstances – relationship, job, career, moving house, you name it (because, as above, change can be scary), they will often develop a safe problem to distract them from making a risky decision. In the long run, these “safe problems” are most damaging to your health.

Feeling depressed keeps you where you are, at worst inviting people to give you attention you crave (short term), but can invite inappropriate relationships who may keep you where you are (co-dependency). The same goes with addictive behaviour – you justify the addiction (because of your bad job, your bad marriage or difficult upbringing) but it simply keeps you where you are – and of course, addiction is unhealthy – yet it is a human driving need to keep you … happy.  In other words you don’t have an addictive personality anymore than the next person, you have a driving need to keep yourself happy and comfortable – at the expense of feeling completely “at one”.  It is true that some people are more “addictive” than others, but who are they and are there other elements within that person from their past and current state that make them more pre-disposed to addictive behaviour?

What is keeping YOU from change and improving your life?

What is your SAFE problem? How important is it to you to hang onto it? Make a list of all the reasons why you feel change cannot happen now.

What has to happen for change to take place in your life?

Look at what has to happen first before you can make changes. Make a list of those changes and put it somewhere where you can see it every day.

How would you like your life to be?

Again, list all the things – as impossible as they might seem – that you would like in your life?

What feelings are generated when you look at that list of “possibilities”?

List those feelings. How about warm, empowered, successful, wealthy, loving.

What is stopping you? Wouldn’t it be great to feel this way?

Kate is a qualified, experienced counsellor who works integratively, combining person-centred techniques whilst gently encouraging you to look at your learned patterns from the past. She is also gifted intuitively and can help you tap into your own personal power to enable you to move forwards in your life and help you make the necessary changes you need to improve your life in a gentle way.  Change may seem hard, but together we can make the process easier. Try some counselling today! It’s not an instant fix but it can definitely help.

What’s your definition of failure?

What does it mean to you to fail?  How do you respond to change and possible transformation? Read more for how I view failure, transformation and continuous improvement!  Let yourself off the hook and see it for what it really is, using research, my personal experience and knowledge gained over my years on this planet!

Failure, transformation and continuous improvement & LIFE & Relationships!

Definition of Transformation: In an organisational context, a process of profound and radical change that orients an organisation in a new direction and takes it to an entirely different level of effectiveness. Unlike ‘turnaround’ (which implies incremental progress on the same plane) transformation implies a basic change of character and little or no resemblance with the past configuration or structure.  http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/transformation.html

Definition of Continuous improvement : According to Steve Spear: Continuous improvement and transformative process redesign are not mutually exclusive. They both require taking something that is understood imperfectly, learning how to succeed, and bringing that new knowledge into direct use. In the case of continuous improvement, that learning might be localized, high-speed, and regular; in the case of transformative redesign, it might be greater in scale and scope but less frequent. In both cases, success depends on having a systematic approach to the design, operation, and improvement of the complex systems on which we depend (taken from: http://blogs.forrester.com/connie_moore/11-09-12-continuous_improvement_isnt_enough_senior_execs_seek_business_transformation )

Definition of Failure:  The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.  A failure at one’s career. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure. Non-performance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.  A decline in strength or effectiveness.

What I find particularly interesting about the definition of transformation is that it is a flowing statement that implies a compete change leading to a state of being that is unrecognisable from before.  Failure comes with a series of statements that imply subjectivity and judgement.  I am intrigued by the concept of the mutually exclusive implications of continuous improvement and transformative redesign – suspect the difference is in semantics.  Transformation implies a radical re-design from source but continuous improvement is a gradual process that implies a gentle shifting from the original concept which CAN lead to transformation over a longer period of time.  Transformation I see something like wiping the hard drive of your computer to rebuild from scratch.  From a human perspective we continue to evolve until a time when we may experience a watershed moment when suddenly things which were fuzzy, out of awareness, out of sight become crystal clear in an instant.

I believe that “constant” failure can lead to both continuous improvement and transformation.  It is just the matter of how quickly these aspects happen.  In the blink of an eye, someone can be taken from us – they disappear, they are killed, they die – either way they are no longer part of our lives in a meaningful way.  If we do not seek to ponder – albeit briefly – on this loss we can remain stuck, unable to move forwards and stagnate – possibly with a part of ourselves dying in the process.  This is something that has to happen, it is part of our life as a social individual since we are enmeshed in society, we are social beings and people affect us.  Those who suggest that they do not like people, find people hard to understand, cut themselves off in a bid to isolate themselves from that which is painful or difficult to understand or manage.  If we step away from judging ourselves and other people it is incredibly liberating.  Live our lives as God (or the Universe, however you see this) intended, be in the moment and appreciate each and every one of us for our human frailty, our tendency to err and perhaps avoid human evolution which can lead to transformation.

There are times when we need to throw ourselves into a situation regardless of the “potential” mistakes.  Chance the moment, experience the joy – and even then, if it is taken from us at least for a time we experienced that wonderful feeling.

http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/12/why_i_hire_people_who_fail.html

“Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm” – Winston Churchill

“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior”. Henry C. Link

Whilst I ponder on the idea of my mistakes I feel I must have been a failure.  A feeling so ludicrous it makes me laugh.  Being in the present moment all those mistakes I may have made are perceived through the eyes of someone who has little self-worth – whether others uphold that or not is immaterial as they are all busy living and breathing into their own lives and experiences.  Each mistake made depends on the perceiver as I continue to evolve and re-define myself into my “eventual” transformation – just as every other human being evolves through continuous evaluation, discovery and learning.

Continually evolving – a human skill belonging to the most basic of individuals can lead to a complete transformation of self if we allow it – either transforming into who we were meant to be as our birth-right, or an adapted transformation that fits neatly into the social world we live in.  Whichever feels right at the time is, then, perfectly right for us at the time.  If we are “adapted” (http://www.ta-tutor.com/!funct/xefacp.htm) in order to fit, is this right for us?  Is there a change that we need to visit to become our “true” selves?  Who defines who the “true self is”?  All we can do is be in the moment, live our mistakes joyfully, realise that no matter who we are, we are human.

I am exactly where I need to be at this point in time.  That feels such a wonderful revelation.  No matter the loves I have loved, the ones I have lost and the ones that remain in my life.  For many people in later life we measure ourselves by the failures we have made, thus approaching new situations with overdue caution, running at the first sign of something “not quite right”.  Or worse still, a “spark-less zone”, a hint that someone reminded you of a previous situation, our mind fixed on the rear view mirror.  Running on empty implies one may want to receive before being able to freely give.  How true is this of people in their late 40s and 50s hoping for a fresh start?  If we don’t give, how can we receive in this reciprocal environment?

Oh glorious individual, give of thyself.  See the simple joys in life, revel in feeling, touch and sensual pleasure.  Poke fun, have a laugh, tell a joke, draw people around you and you will all gain joy from the encounter.  Be yourself!